A Soulful Apology

“A gift that transforms the giver.”

Some years ago I realized that for my life to move toward being my best (Soulful) self I need to commit to cleaning up any messes I make. I knew that meant being able and willing to apologize. I also was aware that my ego does not want to have to apologize, does not want to have to eat “humble pie” or eat “crow”. So I challenged myself to come up with a really good apology, effectively addressing the key elements that I would want to hear if I had been wronged.

The apology that I came up with has three distinct part. Each part is essential.

If you make a mess, if you say or do something that is hurtful, unkind, or disrespectful to another person, you have to clean up your mess. If you want your life and your relationships to thrive here is what I want to invite you to say to that person.

1. “No matter what you ever do or say you do not deserve to be treated in the way I treated you. No matter what you ever do or don’t do you do not deserve to be spoken to in the way I spoke to you.”

(And you have to mean it. You also need to know that If someone was mean, hurtful, or disrespectful to you, it does not justify you being hurtful, mean, or disrespectful to them. If you want your life to work you need to be respectful to people. I don’t care what they said or did to you, it does not justify you making a mess by being hurtful or disrespectful to them. According to me, if you do make a mess you need to clean it up. It is the anticipation of cleaning up your mess that are the scariest moments.

2. “I’m sorry. I know that what I said and did hurt you. I’m really sorry.”

(And your have to mean it.)

3. “I commit to you to get to the place where I never treat you that way again. I may not be there yet but I commit to you to get myself to a place where I never treat you that way again.”

Now here’s the thing that really shocked me. Because I absolutely do not want to have to make that kind of a complete apology, I was just amazed how quickly I stopped making messes in the first place. In fact, I can honestly say I have not made a mess in years. It is not because I don’t think of it, that I don’t have the mean or hurtful thoughts, because I do. But I made a commitment to myself that if I make a mess I have to clean it up.

Many years ago I was living with a wonderful woman and her 7 and 14 yo daughters both of whom I came to love very much and still do. I have her loving permission to share this incident. Megan, the 14 yo could be fiery and provocative. In one of my reactive moments I said something hurtful, unkind, and disrespectful to her. I felt bad and realized I needed to apologize. So I started my apology.  “Sweetheart, no matter what you ever do or say you do not deserve to be treated in the way I just treated you. You do not deserve to be spoken to -“ She interrupted me. “Ya asshole, you did.” and started sticking her finger in my face. I tried to continue. “I know Meg, you’re right and you do not ever deserve to be treated that way.” She interrupted again, “Ya asshole, and you did last weekend too, asshole” then she started poking her finger in my chest, glaring at me. I said. “You’re right, I did. I remember it was last Saturday morning and that wasn’t the first time. I’m very sorry Megan. I am really sorry, sweetheart. I know that hurts you when I talk to you that way. I’m sorry.” That time she new she had me and started being playful in her swearing and poking. She is now 41 yo. and we are still very close and very much lovingly in each others lives. I have not spoken unkindly or disrespectfully to her since that day.

I so absolutely do not want to have to clean up a mess that I simply refuse to make the mess in the first place.

This apology is “a gift that transforms the giver” meaning that that if you commit to cleaning up every mess you make you will get even more out of it then they will and you’ll be amazed how quickly you stop making messes. You will find yourself feeling better about yourself and will be a lot safer, more interesting, and attractive to be with.

This isn’t easy folks and not for the faint of heart but my experience is that it is well worth it.

With loving kindness I offer this to you.

Frank