It is what happens when your authentic self, your soul, holds your innocent but misguided reactive ego with tenderness and compassion.
First, I invite you to go to my website frankrobinsoncounseling.com then Go to “Writings”, then to my Book: Finding Your Soul, then scroll down to Chapter 6: Learning How To Love Yourself. That short chapter may be helpful to you.
Secondly, anytime you start to feel hurt, sad, mad, angry, insecure, afraid, lonely, rejected, not chosen or included, abandoned, lost, confused, or simply bad about yourself, here is a process that can often be very helpful.
Loving the wounded child within
If you ask yourself how old is the person inside of me that feels those feelings, my experience is that it is almost always a small child, four or five years old. This process is really about your soul, that pure loving awareness that you are at the very core of your being, that loving, strong, compassionate soul holding your fearful, insecure inner child, with tenderness and compassion. It is a way to help you feel what it feels like to truly fall in love with that sweet, innocent, precious little one inside of you. He/she will never grow up.
That sweet child will be alive and well when you are 90 years old. But he /she needs something we all need - an absolute guarantee of a total unconditional love in each and every moment of now throughout our entire life. The problem is that as a spiritual being when we “took birth” into this world of physical reality, we entered into the illusion of separateness from the divine, infinite, omnipresent unconditional loving force of the universe. And we suffer as we yearn for that unconditional, all knowing love. And she/he only knows to look for it out into the world of physical reality. And this world does not make it in that size package. So the bad news is that he/she will never find it out in the world of physical reality.
The good news is that there is a place way deep down inside each and every one of us, in fact it is the very essence of who we really are (pure loving awareness), where we have access to exactly what the little one was looking for out in the world, that infinite, omnipresent unconditional love. This is one way we can bring that special love to the child within. Sometimes it really helps if you can find a photo of that little one, a photo that touches you. Look at it on a regular basis just to remind you how beautiful, precious, and innocent that little one is. Imagine putting your loving arms around that little one in you and say:
“I love you.”
“I adore you.”
“My love for you is absolute and unconditional.”
“I know every single thought you’ve ever had. I know everything you've done or even thought about doing.”
“And my love for you is absolute and unconditional.”
“And I will never leave you. I will never, never, never leave you. I will always be here for you. If you ever need me all you have to do is let me know that you need me and I will come to as quickly as I possibly can and I will take care of you, I will protect you, and I will love you without condition.” Let yourself feel what it feels like to fall in love with that amazing and wonderful child within all of us.
Have a conversation with the critic in you
If you have trouble feeling love for that child within you, if you find yourself feeling inpatient and/or being critical of the ways she/he behaves, or looks, or smells, or talks, or anything off-putting then have a conversation with the critic in you. That critic in you absolutely thinks she/he is in service to us. It is committed to the idea that judgement and criticism is essential to making the young one in us a better and more love worthy person. It thinks, “If we were only a better person, if we would only stop making mistakes, then maybe we would get the love we need and want.” It is totally innocent and totally misguided about this. With an authentic, open, and loving heart say to the critic, “Thank you for your amazing and wonderfully perceptive discernment about how the little one made a mistake/ spilled the milk, dropped the ball/etc. I really do appreciate your keen eye and your ever present vigilance, but we are no longer going to criticize or beat her/him up. It really is not helpful to us. We are going to be loving, gentle, and compassionate with her/him. Then imagine putting your arms around that critical part of you and say, “My love for you is also absolute and unconditional and I will never leave you.”
I hope this is helpful for you and learning how to open your heart to all parts/facets of yourself. We all deserve that unconditional love. The beautiful thing is that the more we can do this process, we more we begin to bring that unconditional love and well being to our life, our work, and relationships rather than trying desperately trying to fine it in it. We begin to realize we are the source of our experience of life. If you ever feel that you have found what you are looking for, it is because you brought it. It just looks like you found it. As my old mentor (Dr. John Enright) once said, “The world is just out there ‘worlding’. Whatever we experience is what we bring to it.”
Blessing on your journey.
Sincerely - Frank